I spent ten months in the desert. Now, this is my eight block evening walk.

Created with Admarket’s flickrSLiDR.

Once again I wish I was a better photographer, but hopefully you can still be blown away by the sights. One of the biggest draws for some tourists is that you can rent these saucer things and slide down the sand dunes. Our kids, being Wisconsinites, were less than impressed. It was fun, but snow gets faster as you go and is easier to make trails in. Enjoy.

Here are your first shots from New Mexico. They don’t do it justice because they’re just some snaps from a rest area and because I’m a crappy photographer.

I’ll work on getting you a few more in the next couple of years. I promise.

In the “What I Had For Lunch” category, things are going fine except I’d like to know my school schedule and find an income stream.

Peace. Enjoy the pictures.

Continuing the bitchy part, I’d like to give a hearty “fuck you” to the dog owners gone before me that have ruined it for the rest of us.  You can’t take them anywhere – not even national parks these days – thanks to fuckheads irresponsible dog owners that don’t make their mutts behave or clean up after them.  That means no hiking in the badlands, no trip to Mt. Rushmore – well I guess one of the adults could have taken the boys but that kind of contradicts the whole “family” concept, doesn’t it?  It was too hot and I’m too responsible to just leave the dogs in the camper unattended.  So scratch 90% of the sightseeing.  We did take 20 minutes to see the Corn Palace.  What a hoot!  And the drive through the Badlands was beautiful even if it did cost us $30!

I actually have no complaints about the scenery anywhere along the way.  New Mexico is particularly breathtaking but even Wyoming isn’t bad.   Wide open spaces are prettier than I’d ever thought they’d be.  You’ll be hearing more about New Mexico over the next three years, I’ll expect.  With lots of pictures.  Not much of the drive though because I can’t take photos and drive at the same time and Sarge would have been really pissed if I’d kept stopping for camera breaks.

Here’s your bullet points:

Prettiest part? New Mexico.  All of it.

Ugliest part? Dumbass drivers in Colorado and the abysmal directionals to and within Kirtland AFB.  Give me some kind of clue which lane to be in – just in case it’s rush hour (yes, it was) to turn onto the base and then at least try to point me toward the campground.  And teach your god damn civilians the phonetic alphabet the rest of the military uses?  It is G-O-L-F, Golf is “G” – not Gibson.  If you tell me “Gibson” I look for Gibson (later found to be a different street a few blocks away but I’m smart enough that when you tell me to turn on Gibson and then turn on F and both are one-way streets then I can conclude that you mean G and are just an idiot).  If you tell me “Golf” I know that “G” Street is at least a definite possibility.  Or just use directional signs extensively – like the rest of the military.  USAFA is huge and I still found everything.  On Kirtland – by the time we found their crappy campground I didn’t want to stay there any more.

Dumbest part? Believing the staff at Kirtland’s FAMCAMP when they said they’d have a space for us  “Don’t worry!”  is apparently akin to “Of course I’ll respect you in the morning” in Air Force Civ. speak.  After six hours of driving (everything takes longer with dogs and children), horrible turn-by-turn directions on the phone with an outdoor rec employee and a general case of pissed off because you’ve been driving and cooped up in a camper with two dogs, three kids and a hubby in the same boat for five days, finally arriving at said campground to find no employee on duty and no space for you is a sure way to peg the pissed off meter.

Our solution?  Drive to Soccorro and stay in a Rodeway in that fulfills every stereotype you ever had about motels (yes, motels – exterior entrance rooms) in touristy towns in the Southwest.  Red carpets, ugly wall paper, a pool and a continental breakfast.  By this point, however, the pool was exactly what the fellas needed (whaling regulations prevent me from entering swimming pools – I know there are laws, but I know people break them and I’m taking no chances) and pizza delivery with a glass of cabernet was what I needed.  That and, uh, wireless internet   I’m not disparaging the motel.  It was fine.  I think it’s under new management and I think it will improve over time.

Best part? Arriving in El Paso and making the smart choice to check into a hotel with a pool for the remaining two days before our house was available.  We found a great Guest House International – a pet-friendly, new hotel with a suite concept, a pool and a continental breakfast- five minutes from the base.  We will be recommending them highly in the unlikely event we get visitors.  The 2-room suite featured a mini-bar (you know, microwave, fridge, sink) and a separate room with the king-sized bed for the boys.  It was heavenly!

Things that sound dirty but aren’t: Kum & Go.  Some entrepreneur in Western Minnesota needs to work on either his language comprehension or his branding, right?  These are convenience stores / gas stations and there are several of them along I-90.    I started thinking “outside the box” (BINGO!) about developing a partner chain of “adult toy store”/ hotel combinations called “Kame & Went”.  What do you think?

On the plus side, however, things in El Paso are going reasonably well.  We are here.  Our stuff is here.  We’ve even managed to locate and unpack most of it.  The house is nice.  The neighbors are nice (the ones we’ve met so far).  And Fort Bliss is clearly a professionally run military base.  The civilian employees we’ve encountered – even the contractors(!) – are professional and the services are quite acceptable. The PX and commissary are huge and the shopette for gas is two blocks away.  Nothing, so far, to complain about except how shitty the movers were.  I think that’s another post.

I do have some pictures to post, but that’s another day.  Get back to work!

Things in SATE land have been quite chaotic to say the least for the past several months.  Summer vacation, as parents everywhere know, never is and with the PCS Fairly gazing lovingly upon us it has been a little worse.  Throw in an adoption and adding a teenager to the house and the crazy meter pegs.

Here’s what we’ve been up to:

May 2:  The Czar moves in permanently.

June 6:  Last day of school for all parties involved (‘cept me – I was done May 28 with all my work for the semester)

June 6 – 8: The Queen B and I spend a lovely weekend at Route 66 Raceway getting a nitro fix.  Oh how I love my nitro.

June 13 – 15th:  Father’s Day Camping Trip.  When we commence on our big adventure this Friday, the plan is to go to Ft. Bliss by way of South Dakota because we’ll have a week before our housing is available and because with three kids and two dogs in the cars, we thought short stretches would be best.  So we took a couple of trips to make sure that everything in the camper works and that the newness of camping had worn off a little bit.  All went well and a good time was had by all.  I should interject at this point that the campers next to us were obnoxious.  From the 10 or 11 year old kid that cried to his mom that my boys were “picking on him and calling him names” that I subsequently heard calling a little girl on the beach a “fat bitch” to his mother who is one of those people that tells you not only her whole life story but those of her children within the first five minutes of meeting her AND THEN proceeds to drink all our beer by the campfire and including the husband who’s only audible presence all weekend was arguing with his wife on Sunday morning.  “Will you just use your fucking head?”  Sounds like an asshole, but the wife didn’t seem real great at thinking for herself so I understand that frustration.  On the bright side, her four year old daughter and our five year old son got along famously all weekend and that’s always fun to watch.  The five of us had a nice time.  The weather was great and no one got hurt.  Perfect.

June 20 -22.  WORST. CAMPING. TRIP. EVER.

This weekend was our first trip with the dogs.  It would have have been fine except for a few little “issues”.  First, like a good proactive dog owner, I treated the dogs with flea and tick repellant the morning of the trip.  Well, Champ proceeded to lick the stuff off Maddie’s neck.  Now I know what nerve gas works like.  He got so sick that he was throwing up in the truck ten minutes after we left the house (after seeming okay when we left).  By the time we got to the campground (about 50 minutes later), he was in a full on “episode” thanks to the nerve agent in the tick medicine.  Including eating leaves and dirt, extreme thirst and a mini-seizure.  I honestly thought my dog was going to die right there.  He recovered quickly after some more water and a little time but in the middle of the night, the nausea returned.  Can I ask you what is a more wonderful sound to hear in the middle of the night while laying semi-awake in a pop-up campier than the sound of a dog  barfing his guts out?

To improve upon that, with gas nearly $4.00 a gallon, I have to drive the dogs home in the morning because they’re not allowed on the hiking trails.  UGH.  To all you useless pet owners who don’t clean up after them and thus ruin it for everyone I say a mighty “Fuck you!  Thanks for ruining everything for the rest of us.”  But I bite the bullet and take the puppies home and return to the park for a day of hiking, fun and sun.  Another day with perfect weather.

One small problem:  The Khan.  See, he’s five, right?  And eating and drinking are not his priority.  Playing and running are.  Well, with temps in the mid 80′s that’s a bad idea.  He proceded to get dehydrated or a bit of heat exhaustion or something.  Saturday night of this big adventure HE was the one throwing up in the camper.  To make it worse, The Khan feels really bad about things like throwing up.  After he was potty trained – the very rare accident would cause a meltdown -”I’m a bad boy!” kind of thing.  So it’s the middle of the night and his majesty is vomiting and crying and apologizing and all I want to do is sleep in my nice comfy bed in my house instead of my camper.  UGH.

June 28 -29th:  Niece’s wedding and Twins – Brewers game.  Very fun.  I have determined that every time I see the Twins play in the dome two great things happen:  The Twins win and the Yankees lose.  Granted this is based on only two observation opportunities, but the potential is there.  If it is true, I wish I had season tickets.  I hate the Yankees so much.  I don’t hate the Brewers but the way they played that day definitely earned them the loss.

July 1:  Queen B goes to Houston.  I miss her so much.

July 3:  Finalization of the Czar’s adoption and cookout in Tunnel City

July 4:  The farewell tour continues at my mother-in-law’s house.

July 5:  Repeat July 4 at my mother’s house

July 6:  Repeat above except as a welcome-home party for a friend’s kid that just got back from Basic and AIT.

And here we are:  Tomorrow the movers show up to pack our stuff.  Thursday the truck is loaded and Friday we start driving to El Paso.  So despite this teaser round of bloggy mediocrity (I know bloggy goodness and this isn’t bloggy goodness), you’ll definitely be blogless until the 21st.

At least the matter of how I’ll amuse myself in El Paso is settled.  I applied for admission to the PhD program in Management at NMSU and have been accepted.  Classes begin August 18.  Get ready for two years of my bitching about that!

Stay safe and come back in two weeks for the latest.  Peace.

You want to know about The Trip. Oh dear readers… Let me begin by saying that when the Army “invites you” to attend something it is best to respectfully decline this invitation. These type of affairs normally end badly. Ours is not an exception.

It started off relatively smoothly. Our flights to El Paso were uneventful and we hooked up with our sponsors (long time friends) for some lunch after we landed. The hotel was very nice – even if it was a handicapped-accessible room which always unsettles me a bit (Oh shut up! Everyone has their weird quirks). I highly recommend the sleep number bed and the weather. It’s hot but dry so it isn’t an oppressive heat. As long as you keep hydrated, you’ll be fine! As expected, a light sweater is recommended for dealing with the AC and never leave home without your sunglasses. Yeah, I did that. Thank heaven for the PX.

The conference was well organized and presented a wide range of topics to help the RC and National Guard soldiers prepare for 9 months on Active Duty. This means that for most of us AGR families, 75% of the information presented held no value whatsoever. I already know what a PCS move is. I already know about the health insurance. I already know how to deal with Finance. It’s old.

Soldiers (and wives) fall into two categories: People with some modicum of common sense and whiny babies. Unfortunately, there are not enough of the former to prevent the latter from being promoted. The most frustrating part of the conference was hearing the same bunch of soldiers (SENIOR SOLDIERS mind you) ask the same damn question at least half a dozen times. “So if I get a waiver, I can keep my BAH for where I am now? ” “Is BAH for the city I live in or for the duty station?” “If I keep my BAH were I am, I can’t move all my stuff?” These three questions were asked in at least a dozen different ways and the soldiers were given the exact same answer everytime. “Yes, but you can’t move more than 500 pounds of household goods.” “It is based on duty station.” “No, if you get the BAH waiver because you’re telling the government you’re not moving. You cannot, then, actually move.” I swear we could have turned these questions into a drinking game based either on the number of different people asking the same question or the number of times a specific individual asked the same damn question. The most annoying was an AGR soldier – active duty – complaining repeatedly through questions that she has a house and wants to both move her stuff here and keep her BAH because she has a house!. Sell the fucking house. You’re active duty and won’t be going back there. That is part of the whole active duty thing, remember? You can’t have it both ways. One guy had to be told three times that he was not authorized to move a POV because he evidently didn’t process that the first two. And a couple others were just annoying in general. Were it not for Tetris on my cell phone, I’d have probably had an aneurysm. I confess to also being annoyed by wives that accompanied their husbands on the trip who have no intention – are not even considering the possibility- of accompanying their spouse on the EP tour. The invitation specifically said only for wives accompanying their sponsor during their tour of duty at USASMA. I hope you all enjoyed your free vacation but don’t bitch about your taxes or government spending, peeps. You’ve contributed your share to Fraud, Waste and Abuse. And this was just Day 1.

Day 2 was a little more relevant – for the first hour. We learned about employment – well okay, I got nothing out of that because I can’t get a government job to save my soul and already know how to write a resume and dress for a job interview. I was multi-tasking – trying to get adoption stuff taken care of – so I missed the housing presentation. The one thing I gave a shit about for the whole conference and I missed it. Making it worse, Sarge got pissy because I missed it and we had a huge fight. He was stressed about the whole thing (I have NO IDEA why) and, like always, I bore the brunt of his frustration. It. was. awesome. After a few tense moments and an explanation from me that I don’t really need/have time for/ deserve that shit, it blew over but for an hour or so while I sat in the briefing doing my “I don’t have an opinion because my husband thinks for me” schtick, it blew over. It is really easy to ignore grumpy old bastards when you have Tetris on your phone. Did I mention how much I love Tetris on my phone? I love my husband, I really do. But sometimes he needs reminding that he can be full of shit and I don’t have to put up with it. What was I doing that was not valuable compared to sitting in two god-damn days of briefings that are not valuable to me in any way? I already told him I was both pissed and sorry for missing the housing brief – let it go already!. I am happy that you’ll have time and are expected to work on your BA next year. I am NOT happy that I am expected to be active in the FRG, AFTB and SLDC courses. Spending time with other army wives – remember I’ve already told you what typical Army wives are like – is not my idea of a fun way to waste spend a year. USASMA, of course, has taken the assumption that being married to a soldier is just the same as enlisting. One minute they give you an employment briefing and a couple hours later they tell you about all these things you’re expected to do that happen during the course of a normal work day. Hello? How can I have a job that supports my family because my husband is woefully underpaid and still spend six hours a week from 9 – noon in some bullshit Army Wife Training. My favorite was with regard to the AFTB training. These are the courses I took online – all of them – in under two hours. We’re encouraged to take the classes – all levels – in person “because of the knowledge and experience you can share with less experienced spouses”. See, I speak bullshit fluently. I know that what this really means is that some Civilian is being paid large coin to “teach” the classes while the Senior NCO spouses actually provide the instruction. Fuck that. I’m hopeful that there will be a small group of cool chicks that will hang out and manage to avoid all the not-so-cool chicks. SHUT UP! I am too a cool chick!

Day three was the best. We had the whole day to ourselves for exploration. El Paso is not a bad town. People are nice and it’s easy to find your way around.And the weather – remember what I said about the weather? The downside was Wednesday when it was windy. Windy weather in EP means you feel like you’re walking around in a sandblaster. But we did get issued our house and we ended up feeling fairly settled about things in general for the coming year.

Day 4 was the icing on the cake! Remember the whole American Airlines fiasco? Guess which airline we were supposed to leave Texas on? Ding-ding! We have a winner. Our flights from El Paso to Dallas and Dallas to Chicago were both cancelled and we found ourselves scrambling to get out of Texas. We ended up flying three different airlines beginning with a leg from El Paso to Phoenix, including a leg from Houston to Minneapolis and finally a flight from Minneapolis to La Crosse. We literally slept in chairs in Houston Bush Airport. I wish I could say it was lovely, but it was not.

Of course we landed in La Crosse two hours late after a delay of exactly that length in Minneapolis. First a mechanical issue, then we had too much fuel on the plane for the number of passengers and the trip to La Crosse (it’s a short one) so they unloaded the plane and sent us four gates down to trade with another bunch of passengers. Then we board the second plane and the baggage handler forgot to give the bag count to Ground Control so we had to wait to track him down so that the weight and balance could be calculated and we could get cleared for takeoff. We were supposed to fly at eleven. We flew at 1 and landed at two. Do you think the air travel gods could look favorably on us and get our luggage there too? Nope!

No bags. None. 0 for 2 on the luggage count. Monday, Sarge got a call that they’d both been located in Lisbon, Portugal! Only one bag made it back from Portugal and it was trashed. Only one thing – a USASMA beer glass – got broken but the bag itself was beyond repair. Northwest gave us a replacement for it. The other bag – I just called – is now nowhere to be found. Of course that is the bag with all my clothes, hygiene items and jewelry in it. Our cell phone charger is in there too. But the status is “we have no idea but we’re looking for it. It isn’t in Houston and it isn’t in Minneapolis. We haven’t heard from Portugal and we generally have no idea where it is or what we can or will do about it.” UGH. I hope I never go TDY again.

But the orders crack me up!  Normal orders say “You are ordered to proceed” but mine because it is so not optional, invite me to proceed from point A to point B.   Like the tickets aren’t already bought…