Let me ask you a question:  How do you handle rampant self-doubt?  I’ve started to realize that I am guilty of a lot of self-sabotaging behavior and it’s got to stop.  I need to believe I deserve to be here and stop procrastinating.  What’s your cure?

You are all dying – all five of you – to know what this PhD program is like.  Based on my first week, this song pretty much sums it up.

There appears to be two sets of people.  The cool kids and the douchebags.  There’s also the haves (funding) and the have nots (me.  Not Funded.  Only me).  And since I’m not funded, the douchebags have decided that I’m somehow inferior.  There’s this tier system too.  It’s like Hogwarts if Hogwarts totally sucked.  There are three of us first-year students.  One’s not a bad guy but he’s really closely aligned with a douchebag (a.k.a. the other first year student – he’s the “you buy the book and I’ll borrow it” type).  They’ve ostracized me because either A:  I’m the only woman or B:  I’m not funded so I don’t spend my days fawning over some PhD and their research.  Whichever reason fits, I think they’re both going to be in for a surprise when the rubber meets the road and the actual performance starts to matter.  When that day comes and I AM funded, I’m going to have a tremendous problem.  It will take all my willpower not to tell the esteemed professor to make his own fucking copies.   “Trust me.  It’s not hard.  You just punch in the number here and push the big green button. “  Or:  “Dude, there’s this thing.  It’s called the internet.  I think it’s going to be big.  You could try just posting the electronic versions and letting the students print them.”

Guess what haters!  I applied only to this program.  I applied WELL after the deadline.  I got in anyway.  The only reason I’m not funded is because I didn’t want to wait for it.  I don’t intend to spend the full four years in the program either.  It’ll be three max.  Take it to the bank.  If I can multi-task well enough to get it done in two, that’s an ideal state.  I’m not in the PhD program for the opportunity to kiss ass or politic.  I am going to fight hard to maintain my no-pretenses demeanor.  No bullshit, no way.  I will build a workable network and move on to a lovely faculty position at a teaching-focused university.  Oh, and I’m not in the wrong field because I strongly prefer teaching to research.  That, good sir, you can go fuck yourself for.  Research makes me a better teacher rather than an obsolete relic of a human being with dated hypotheses and inaccurate knowledge sending unqualified students to the world because you don’t give a shit.  Go write your damn book.  I need the kindling.

Otherwise, school’s great!  How are things with you?