Dear Blog Readers,

They’re ganging up on me. The children. My nemesis and his adorable little friend (pictured above). Even Mother Nature is giving me the finger. This morning I awakened at 4:00 for a drink of water. I went to the kitchen to discover that either the above dog has gotten incredibly intelligent or one of my children went on a midnight snack run and left the refrigerator door open. In the refrigerator was a pound of beef liver that I had boiled but not yet cut up for training purposes. The key word at this point is was. I found an empty plate (otherwise undisturbed from its resting place – she’s that good) and was met by a very unrepentant dog.

This morning, I discovered half of my favorite pair of shoes destroyed. One hates rugs, the other hates yarn. Maddie cannot stand area rugs to the point that any efforts to stem the flow of snow into my house are met by her bunching up said rug and moving it out of the doorway. Bucky will grab my current knitting project and attempt to carry it away. He doesn’t care about other projects, just the one I am working on now. The vet said he was four or five. I think the vet is full of shit mistaken because of all the “puppy behaviors” he displays – chewing, etc. Shoes, legos and K-nex are not. safe. And he knows nothing. Not sit, not stay, not off. But he has a personality that makes it hard to stay mad at him.

Then we will add the weather. This week I have spent roughly $100 on equipment for wearing these two naughty little hounds out. I bought my first pair of snowboots in a very long time, a split lead so I can take them both on one leash, a backpack for Bucky so we burn more energy on our walks. (I’m reading a dog training book that recommends it for all medium and large sized dogs). Gloves, warm gloves. I am ready for anything! But this shit is ridiculous. So, of course, they’re whining to go outside every ten minutes. This process requires me to put on my full winter battle rattle which takes five minutes and then they only want to be outside two minutes because they’re too cold to do all their business. We come back in, they warm up, I take off my battle rattle and repeat.

It’s going to be a long day.

Send cocoa. With schnapps.

I am also really working on unblocking my creativity. It’s lost. I’ve missed it and I am trying to get it back. This blog is going to become a playground for all kinds of different things and I hope you’ll like them. Stay tuned.

Sorry for the hiatus. We’ve had company – not including 1SG Crabass – and with soccer, etc., it’s been busy.

But on Tuesday we undertook this venture. Breakfast was tahini butter (tastes like hummus) on toast with celery. In retrospect, I think that celery for breakfast should be illegal on all however many planets are in existence unless, of course, it’s stuck in a bloody mary. Lunch: plain salad and a baked sweet potato. And yet, I continued. I stuck with this plan for 2 2/3 days. Finally, I snapped. I called the Sarge.

Honey, I will give you a bottle of wine if we can have a G*d D*mn steak dinner.

God I love my enabler. Happy Love Thursday.

P.S. Because I’d already bought avocado for this detox, I got guacamole too. Just too awesome!