Didn’t think so.  We’ve safely arrived in our new digs after a GLORIOUS FIVE DAY ADVENTURE in the Great American West – right?  South Dakota must be the west?  This camping trip was so much fun that if we sold our camper tomorrow I’d never miss it.  I think.  Well, probably eventually because a pop-up DOES beat sleeping in a tent.  It does not, however beat a camper with wireless internet and a satellite dish.  Apparently that is what you’re required to acquire when you retire from the military.  That, my friends, is my new idea of “roughing it”.    In all seriousness, the camping wasn’t awful.  It was just awful hot.  And driving both cars down here really sucked.  The boys are great but not much on conversation or enjoying the view.  I suppose I wasn’t either at their ages, but still!  It made all that driving boring as hell.  I also had the Tom-Tom so I had to make sure Sarge could see me or I could reach him by phone.  Apparently, South Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado and New Mexico are not known for their cellular coverage.  Who knew?

Continuing the bitchy part, I’d like to give a hearty “fuck you” to the dog owners gone before me that have ruined it for the rest of us.  You can’t take them anywhere – not even national parks these days – thanks to fuckheads irresponsible dog owners that don’t make their mutts behave or clean up after them.  That means no hiking in the badlands, no trip to Mt. Rushmore – well I guess one of the adults could have taken the boys but that kind of contradicts the whole “family” concept, doesn’t it?  It was too hot and I’m too responsible to just leave the dogs in the camper unattended.  So scratch 90% of the sightseeing.  We did take 20 minutes to see the Corn Palace.  What a hoot!  And the drive through the Badlands was beautiful even if it did cost us $30!

I actually have no complaints about the scenery anywhere along the way.  New Mexico is particularly breathtaking but even Wyoming isn’t bad.   Wide open spaces are prettier than I’d ever thought they’d be.  You’ll be hearing more about New Mexico over the next three years, I’ll expect.  With lots of pictures.  Not much of the drive though because I can’t take photos and drive at the same time and Sarge would have been really pissed if I’d kept stopping for camera breaks.

Here’s your bullet points:

Prettiest part? New Mexico.  All of it.

Ugliest part? Dumbass drivers in Colorado and the abysmal directionals to and within Kirtland AFB.  Give me some kind of clue which lane to be in – just in case it’s rush hour (yes, it was) to turn onto the base and then at least try to point me toward the campground.  And teach your god damn civilians the phonetic alphabet the rest of the military uses?  It is G-O-L-F, Golf is “G” – not Gibson.  If you tell me “Gibson” I look for Gibson (later found to be a different street a few blocks away but I’m smart enough that when you tell me to turn on Gibson and then turn on F and both are one-way streets then I can conclude that you mean G and are just an idiot).  If you tell me “Golf” I know that “G” Street is at least a definite possibility.  Or just use directional signs extensively – like the rest of the military.  USAFA is huge and I still found everything.  On Kirtland – by the time we found their crappy campground I didn’t want to stay there any more.

Dumbest part? Believing the staff at Kirtland’s FAMCAMP when they said they’d have a space for us  “Don’t worry!”  is apparently akin to “Of course I’ll respect you in the morning” in Air Force Civ. speak.  After six hours of driving (everything takes longer with dogs and children), horrible turn-by-turn directions on the phone with an outdoor rec employee and a general case of pissed off because you’ve been driving and cooped up in a camper with two dogs, three kids and a hubby in the same boat for five days, finally arriving at said campground to find no employee on duty and no space for you is a sure way to peg the pissed off meter.

Our solution?  Drive to Soccorro and stay in a Rodeway in that fulfills every stereotype you ever had about motels (yes, motels – exterior entrance rooms) in touristy towns in the Southwest.  Red carpets, ugly wall paper, a pool and a continental breakfast.  By this point, however, the pool was exactly what the fellas needed (whaling regulations prevent me from entering swimming pools – I know there are laws, but I know people break them and I’m taking no chances) and pizza delivery with a glass of cabernet was what I needed.  That and, uh, wireless internet   I’m not disparaging the motel.  It was fine.  I think it’s under new management and I think it will improve over time.

Best part? Arriving in El Paso and making the smart choice to check into a hotel with a pool for the remaining two days before our house was available.  We found a great Guest House International – a pet-friendly, new hotel with a suite concept, a pool and a continental breakfast- five minutes from the base.  We will be recommending them highly in the unlikely event we get visitors.  The 2-room suite featured a mini-bar (you know, microwave, fridge, sink) and a separate room with the king-sized bed for the boys.  It was heavenly!

Things that sound dirty but aren’t: Kum & Go.  Some entrepreneur in Western Minnesota needs to work on either his language comprehension or his branding, right?  These are convenience stores / gas stations and there are several of them along I-90.    I started thinking “outside the box” (BINGO!) about developing a partner chain of “adult toy store”/ hotel combinations called “Kame & Went”.  What do you think?

On the plus side, however, things in El Paso are going reasonably well.  We are here.  Our stuff is here.  We’ve even managed to locate and unpack most of it.  The house is nice.  The neighbors are nice (the ones we’ve met so far).  And Fort Bliss is clearly a professionally run military base.  The civilian employees we’ve encountered – even the contractors(!) – are professional and the services are quite acceptable. The PX and commissary are huge and the shopette for gas is two blocks away.  Nothing, so far, to complain about except how shitty the movers were.  I think that’s another post.

I do have some pictures to post, but that’s another day.  Get back to work!