This week has been a really stressful week.  Wednesday I e-mailed the chair of the department to tell her I wasn’t returning and might not be staying and then I let the word spread through the the rest of the department – PhD students mostly – and a couple of other faculty know.  How am I feeling?  Like trash.  It’s baggage, really.  My entire childhood was spent not feeling good enough, then I was the loser who got married at 18, knocked up, couple of kids, divorced and re-married before any of my siblings ever married the first time.  I have alway felt supremely inferior and at times like this it is soul-crushing.   My dream has died.  Again.

Being lonely doesn’t help.  How can I be lonely with a husband and a house full of children?  I wish I could explain.  Post-institutional kids are not all that intuitive to things like “Mom is sad” or “Mom could really use a hug” and they aren’t good at stuff I like to do.  They’ve all got short attention spans making board games and the like more of an ordeal than they’re worth.  I don’t think I am an impatient person, but we tried to teach the Czar and the Emporer a card game once and they ended up nearly in tears because they couldn’t focus and couldn’t remember what was trump or what was played and it was just no fun.  And I like people.  Lots of people.  I’m starting to doubt the INTJ test result and think that the Introvert just comes up becaust that is my habit.  I keep to myself because there’s no one else to keep with.  The Sarge doesn’t really get what I’m going through.  He’s pissed, sure, but he doesn’t get the whole soul-crushing sense of failure thing.

I learned something very interesting about myself though.  I have learned that the lower I’m feeling, the more likely I am to address people as “Sir” and “Ma’am”.  I’ve been doing that all week long.  It was particularly pronounced yesterday and today.  Why do you suppose that is?  Shrink my brain, readers.  Please!

Let’s look at Pros and Cons today.

Pros:

Volunteered at the El Paso Komen Race for the Cure 5K.  Worked at the finish line so I got to see a lot of people.  It was so emotional!  All these young survivors – some pushing strollers or carrying babies on their backs or against their tummies – and all the older survivors proving that it can be done.  I brought home three appropriately sized “Real Men Wear Pink” t-shirts.  I’ll post a picture tomorrow (as long as you realize that by “tomorrow” I might mean a month)

New crackberry.  Get one.  You know you want it.

I have always wanted to write a book.  Friday I think the idea for my book dawned on me.  I’m not 100% sure it’s a book and not just a super awesome blog, but my instinct says book.  Want to know what it’s about?  (Tal?  Why do I keep wanting to type aboot?  Is it because I am anticipating the annexation?)

Cons:

Harlingen.  I know everything should have a silver lining but I went to Monster looking for jobs.  Idiot.

Did you know that it is very hard to be in anyway motivated to finish a semester of school when the odds are bout 70/30 you won’t finish the program?  I am so unmotivated at the moment in light of how totally screwed I’m feeling at life right now.  Guess how far behind I am on homework?  Bunches and bunches.

Did our taxes last night, kind of.  I’m privileged to send a large check to a certain state because a certain someone hasn’t changed his residency from Michigan which has no income tax for the military.  We also need to get a certain someone’s name updated with SSA before we can e-file.  Guess who has to find the local bureaucrazy office tomorrow?  Indeed.  Yay!

I fell behind a bit.  That’s what happens when you’re hacking up a lung feeling a bit under the weather.  Plus, I am kind of wondering where my six loyal readers have gone.  I entice you with prizes that you don’t enter to win.  You perplex me.  Should we read a book?  Should we pick some political topic to debate?  Can we discuss the proper way to deal with the six year old girl that got my son saying f*ck yesterday?  Yes, JP, it was the neighbor, not me.  Honest! I was MOST displeased.

So the news… I have bronchitis.  LOVE THAT.  Perfect timing.  We also have a “warning order” for our next assignment.  It could not be better.  Are you ready?  As it stands right now, the Army wants us to go to Harlingen, Texas.  W00t!  It’s like Hell Paso!  With Hurricanes!  And not a PhD program to continue in for 500 Miles in any direction.  But hey!  That could all change at the end of July if he-who-shall-not-be-named is on the SGM list.  I think I’m going to label him Voldemort now.  He’s certainly crabby enough about this assignment.  It is, in fact, a gigantic F*ck You from the Army.  It was nowhere on our list and, being a company level position, a tremendous step back in terms of career progression.  Let this be a lesson to you, kids.  Work hard, do a great job and have the NCOERs to prove it, don’t complain and when it comes time for the Army to reward you for your efforts, bend over.  Here comes a year in Hell Paso – 75% of which is a complete waste of time- followed by a primo assignment like Harlingen.

Okay, I’m done complaining about that.  What else shall we talk about?

Here are ten things that I have always wanted to try but haven’t done.

1.  Spend a year touring Europe with a rail pass and a really fun traveling companion.

2.  Ride a century (that’s 100 miles!  On a bike!)

3.  Be thin, be happy and feel beautiful.

4.  Successfully finish a Ph.D. degree. (Hopefully in 2011!?)

5.  Do something for each of my dearest friends that they’ll never forget.

6.  Get a hundred dollars worth of $5.00 bills and give them to those people that stand at intersections with the “Please Help” signs.  My other thought is $5.00 packages of groceries.

7.  Make a difference in someone’s life and actually know that I did it.

8.  I never had my dream wedding.  I don’t really want that but I’d love to have a huge bash someplace wonderful to thank my husband for putting up with me and celebrate the fact that we really do make this work.

9.  See all of my heathen children healthy, happy and loved by someone they want to spend forever with.

10.  Find out why people put up with me. I really have no redeeming qualities.

And number 11 would be make Discover Indies a resounding financial success for me so that I can continue to seek and publicize great independent adventures.  I love to see the little guy get ahead.

No it’s not a meme and you don’t have to do it but if you need a blogging idea, go for it.

The winner of the Optimism giveaway is commenter number 1.  Michelle!  Good luck house training your puppy and look in your e-mail for my request for a shipping address.  None of my “regular readers” commented which is weird but maybe Michelle’s a long-time lurker?

Many thanks to all my readers and stay tuned for a new contest in a few days.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Supposedly this changes over time but I’ve taken this test probably a dozen times and always end up the same. You try! Take the test and leave your results in the comments (or post to your own blog and point me there). It’s interesting. I agree with my score.

I’ve learned that I am insane.  By insane I mean that I really like it if I am awake and facing the day at 4:00 in the morning.  It gives me time to do some yoga, write a blog and really just organize my day a little better.  In short, I get to face the day on my terms.  I overslept yesterday and today.  Yesterday was a bummer.  Traffic, got to work 5 minutes late, broke my sunglasses and IT SNOWED!  OMG!  Not really.  There was this white stuff floating around but it did not resemble snow in any way shape or form unless you’re from the Southwest and know nothing about snow.  I digress (again!).  Today, again, I overslept by an hour and a half (up at 5:30) and I’m cranky about it.

What’s your solution for turning around a bad day?

TMI:  Every morning I play a game of Yahtzee in the bathroom while I wait for the shower to heat up.  I don’t know why but it takes quite awhile for the warm water to make it from the other end of the house to my shower.  It’s as if it hibernates for the evening and then isn’t a morning person.  But one piece of philosophy I have learned from playing Yahtzee (aside from also learning that I am apparently competitive in EVERYTHING even with myself) is this:  Five 1′s is still a Yahtzee.  We all spend so much time looking for the five 6′s – perfection, maximization – that we forget those five little dots on five separate dice score the exact same way.  Maybe there is such a thing as good enough.  Maybe it is okay to learn to give ourselves a break and accept less than optimal in favor of sanity.

Random stuff:  A few weeks ago, I warned you that this blog might become a bit like the shrink I’m too poor for and here is today’s personal improvement mission.  I think that I am a terrible listener.  I am prone to interrupt people because I lack the patience to let the person I am talking with finish their thought.  Instead, I jump to finish it for them.  Now I am wondering about the learning opportunities I may have missed by doing so.  I’m going to try to correct this habit by stopping myself (I already catch myself often) and counting to three before I speak.  If three doesn’t work, I’ll try 5.  Wish me luck.  If I have other annoying habits I need to break, feel free to leave an anonymous comment.  Thanks!

Today’s blog is a product review and a philosophy lesson.  A two-fer!

First off, I am loving greatly the new line of aromatherapy stuff from Bath and Body Works.  A few weeks ago I went into the local shopping center for a haircut and, since I was on my time, I wandered down to the local BBW where they were having this big sale because of their recent line revision and packaging change.  I loaded up on some room sprays (Cherry Blossom – in my car, some linen or cotton thing for my office, and Moonlight Path for the bedroom if you’re curious) and some miscellaneous washes and lotions because it was all dirt cheap – like $3 or $5.00 each.  I was a little ashamed though because apparently I hadn’t been there in a while and my former favorite – Juniper Breeze – was no longer available.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Moonlight Path but I’m sort of funny about work-friendly smells and that is a little too sweet for the office.  Not having been to BBW in a while means, to me, that I’ve been neglecting myself even in the smallest of ways and that is sad.

Anyway, at the checkout stand there were $2.00 samples of Optimism from their new aromatherapy line.  I picked up a body lotion and a body wash sample to give it a try.  I am working so hard on focus and priorities and managing stress in spite of it all that I figured aromatherapy would be worth investigating.  Let me tell you that this is $4.00 happily spent.  Optimism smells like Clinique’s Happy to me.   It’s very citrusy and a little sultry and just a wonderful wake-up smell in the morning.  In fact, last weekend, because I am now determined to allow myself the small luxuries now and then, I went back.  Got my hair cut shorter (like I had wanted in the first place) and loaded up on Optimism.  That way, when I can’t channel it from within, I can shower in it, right? I even bought this little roller thing to keep in my bag because I am finding that putting it on my wrists, rubbing them together and inhaling that scent very deeply does improve my mood.  Maybe it is that aroma does cheer me up or perhaps it takes me back to the morning shower which is always (well most always) the most awesome part of the day because nothing has gotten fucked up yet.  Either way, the product line gets 5-stars from me.  Do try it.  If you’re my one of my token male blog readers, get some for your mom – especially you Crunchy.  After that escapade, if you care, I went and picked out a new hair color.  Now my drivers’ license needs to say Preference 5 1/2 AM in the Hair block but it doesn’ t fit.  I guess it’s Auburn but a dark, coppery one.   Love. It.

So back to Optimism as a concept.  As much shit many books as I have read on personal development, leadership, etc. it seems that lately I have forgotten that we choose our response to our environment.  Whatever happens externally is modified by how we respond internally to that force.  I am choosing – as best I can – to stay optimistic and try to be positive.  Insight is a beautiful thing and I am finding that when I avoid the knee-jerk, negative response it is right there for me to use.  Avoiding the negative is hard as hell but so far, so good.  Give it a try.