Wow, you know it’s been bad when your post about how bad 2008 BLEW gets eaten by the WordPress fairy (something probably to do with how long it’s taken me to write it).  In a nutshell, I consider 2008 to be the worst year of my life so far continuing a five year trend of very crappy years beginning with buying a certain house in the country in Tomah.  That house was the first to eat a bunch of our money and end up being sold for no profit because I took a horrible job with a a horrible company.  2009 does not promise to be better.  I am looking forward at the new year with low expectations, low self esteem and a need for some intense head-shrinkage that I probably won’t get.  Need?  Hell yes.  Even I will admit to it now but …

Here we are.  I’m 40, fat and frustrated.  Broke, sad, lonely and tired.  Sick of fighting, sick of school, sick of the Army.  A lifetime of low self-esteem and the current state of suckage has elevated minor depression to massive, soul-crushing sadness.  Yes, some days I have thought that the answer was a quart of vodka and a handful of Lexapro.    Thanks for asking.  New Years Day was one of those days.  It happens more and more often lately.  I made such an ass of myself New Years Eve that I’m afraid to face my friends and 100% sure I need to just stop drinking entirely.  I can honestly say at this point that I am literally forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other and get through one day to the next.  And of course, I think my friends have already forgiven me but I still feel like shit.  Plus, they’ll all be gone in six months – every last one – and I am starting to miss them already.

Yes, life sucks, but the things I’m doing to make it not suck aren’t working.  I have a husband who loves me, a child that hates me and a whole bunch of other people that are just ambivalent.  I’ve got a family I don’t have much in common with.   I’m tired.  I’m always tired and I’m tired of being tired, angry, sad, and lonely.   I live with four other people and can’t get up enough for a card game or a board game or anything else really.  We don’t like the same TV, the same music…  I hate school.  HATE SCHOOL but without this degree, especially thanks to the foreclosure, my future’s pretty dim.  I guess it’s dim anyway but not getting the degree is a door-closer in a very substantial way.  Besides, if I quit, the assholes win.  I never let assholes win.

I’m just going to warn you that the blog for the next few weeks will be a stand-in for therapy.  Thanks for hanging in here with me.  I’ve missed you.