It is with deep regret that I am resigning my position as your mother. It would appear that, despite sharing a home for somewhere between thirteen years and your whole fucking life we have developed unresolvable creative differences making a change at the mother position in your life a necessity.

You claim to be adults and desire to be treated like adults and yet manage to walk the earth with your head so far up your ass it may never come out. Needless to say, this would have a profound negative impact on our family photos were I still your mother.

For some of you, I am sorry that you feel like you didn’t get enough attention from your father because your mother spent all her time telling you what a piece of shit he is and, despite seeing for yourself he isn’t, you believed her and have taken those falsehoods forward to this day. I am sorry you don’t take that up with your biological mother choosing instead to take it out on me and, naturally, your dad who also vents that frustration on me. Fuck you very much. Get more therapy and believe what you see and hear from him rather than from your mother. Oh, and uh.. stop fucking taking it out on me. I quit, remember? And I had absolutely nothing to do with it besides helping your father fight for his right to BE YOUR GOD-DAMN FATHER!

For all of you, I am sorry that I hope you’ll learn from my young adult mistakes and take those lessons to heart. I will no longer try to teach them because I quit.

I am sorry you feel it is “unethical” of me to Google your boyfriend. I’m not even ashamed of it and since I’d be compelled to do it as long as I am your mother, I am resigning so I don’t have to do it again and find out what horrible choices you’re making.

I am sorry we did not play favorites or have double standards of behavior for you so that some of you feel slighted. I am sorry I expected so much of you academically while still letting you try to have fun and be kids. I am sorry that I busted my ass for all these years to give you what you are now so fucking ungrateful for. I am looking forward to expending a lot less effort and enjoying a lot more of my money in retirement.

Regretfully, I must also say that I will no longer lecture you on the wisdom of managing your money. The mistakes I have made managing my money haunt me to this day. I have a financial education, I know what I should do but because I was stupid enough to marry the father of two of you of the past am unable to do it. Now you won’t have to be forced to learn from them. Make your own but remember, since I’m not your mom anymore, you’ll be forced to secure another Bank of Mom to cover your petty annoyances like tuition payments and rent. Most people would welcome free advice from an MBA. A lot of people even pay for it. Sorry to give it to you for free.

This resignation takes effect immediately. I’ll take back my cell phone and, since you can’t afford the insurance, your car. Be prepared to be billed my consulting rate for all future requests for advice or information. Remember, it’s $100 an hour with a 2-hour minimum.

Best of luck,

Your (former) Mother